Harbor Psychological Associates

Patricia Groessl, EDD

Licensed Psychologist
Certified Sex Therapist

Some commonly asked sexual questions and answers from Dr. Patti Groessl, Diplomate Certified Sex Therapist, Harbor Psychological Associates, 1148 Fourth St, Muskegon, MI 49441, 231-726-2299.

1. Do those supplements like Avlimil or herbal stuff really work at increasing your sex drive?
For the most part, no. You may have a temporary "tingly" feeling with some, but nothing really increases drive. It sure would be nice if there would be an answer like that, but at this time there are no other supplements (other than testosterone from a physician - but there are many warnings for women regarding taking testosterone supplementation).

2. What are the most common complaints you hear from men about women?
Men complain about their partners having low sex drive, not being willing to try different positions and not being playful during sex.

3. What are the most common complaints you hear from women about men?
Men want sex too much and they do not engage in enough foreplay. Additionally, women complain about men not helping with child rearing and household tasks - which indirectly (directly?) relate to women's sexual desire.

4. What are some positions for women getting older and less flexible?
One of the best positions is the "scissors" position - both partners are laying on their sides face to face with their legs intercrossed. Another position is the partner sitting on a chair with the other partner astride.

5. What advice would you give to young women just getting married?
I would say to get a good sex book and educate herself on the wonders of sex. Sex books, like most things, are an individual choice. A good thing would be to go to a book store and look around for what is interesting for that woman. Usually when a woman is newly married, the sex drive is quite high - and that can be a good time to learn more about her body and how to communicate her needs.

6. If you only had 50-100 dollars, what sex toys would you recommend based on your experience with clients? For a couple or for women?
I would recommend both for a couple and individually, the Hitachi Magic Wand. It is a massager type sex toy that costs about $52. It is excellent for foreplay for both partners and for women's genital stimulation.

7. What have you recommended to relieve boredom with couples?
There are many ways to relieve boredom (which happens to almost all couples at different times in their relationship). One is to have an openness to explore new ways to express themselves - such as improve communication with each other, read a new sex book, explore new sex toys, take a vacation (or weekend vacation), improve how they show affection and caring for each other, make time for sex, etc.

8. Young women raising children and new mothers often lose interest in sex and the frequency diminishes so much and this continues for a significant number of years, what can be done about that?
There are marked hormone changes that occur after a child is born and that along with poor sleep, increased demands from being a mother, oral contraception, and many other influences can affect sexual desire for a woman. Some things that may help are having a rest time (where the partner is doing child care and housekeeping), reading a sexy book, fantasy, massage, scheduling sex (that day the partner assumes more responsibilities so the woman can rest), seeing a sexy movie, a willingness to become receptive to the partner's advances, etc. Additionally, know that most young (and not so young) mothers experience low desire. It is very common and usually changes as the children get older and more independent.

9. Does masturbation help or hinder relationships?
Usually masturbation helps relationships. Most (about 95%) married men masturbate and about 60-65% of married women do. Masturbation is healthy in many ways - first, it helps both men and women know what is pleasurable for their bodies; second, when a person knows what is pleasurable they can communicate that to their partners; third, masturbation keeps sexual feelings alive and well; and, fourth, masturbation provides pleasure. Masturbation is in many ways taking control of your sexuality. It is the best way to learn how to orgasm and knowing your own anatomy and sexual responses is key to enjoying good sex with a partner. Self love is safe, natural and healthy and will keep you in touch with your sexual challenges, needs and desires.

10. I realize there are no correct answers for this, but in general, what can men do to arouse women and bring back the romance? Any good books a man will actually read?
One of the most important basic things men can do to increase arousal in women is to be kind and loving to them and to the children. As far as direct foreplay suggestions, the important thing is for men to ask their partners what they would like. Since it differs in each couple, it is very important for women to communicate what is arousing to them. The most important factor in this is the communication element. Many women are hesitant about telling their partners what they would like, but communication is essential. Women may want to read a sex book to find new and arousing things they would like to try - whether it is massage, candles, music, specific positions, etc. Good books for men and women are "The Guide To Getting It On" (not for everyone as it contains language some might find offensive - the "f" word for example), but it is a very good book that most men really like. Another good book is "The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment."

For more information or questions, please contact Dr. Groessl.